Dear Bruno Mars,
Bruno, Bruno, Bruno… I am sure that your anguish and devotion to your unrequited love is to inspire pained teenage hearts and hatred for that obviously hateful girl who does not appreciate that you would willingly decapitate yourself for her. How can she be so lackadaisical and nonchalant about your grand gestures of love? I mean, you’d take a bullet through the head for her and she won’t do the same! How can she be so heartless and cruel to disregard the fact that you’d jump in front a moving train or throw your hand on a blade? You’re not asking much from her back– just all of her love.
Now Bruno, sit next to me and watch a few episodes Sex and the City and get schooled in relationships. Carrie and the girls would tell you that you’re doing all of the work, but have missed all of the red flags. You gave her all you had, and you say she tossed it in trash. She’d watch you burn down in flames. Yes, she said she said she loved you, but you’re Bruno Mars. I’m sure thousands of girls have all said, “I love you, Bruno!” What else is she going to say? Is this the same girl who won’t believe your compliments? The one who you’d kiss all day if she’d let you? (Obviously, she’s not.) The one that you try to convince to get married (because you’re looking for “something dumb to do”… was that a Freudian slip there, Bruno?). The girls would point out that right from the beginning when you kissed, she had her eyes wide open. Why were they open? She’s just not that into you.
I know, I know, that phrase is for girls. It’s what they’re supposed to hear about guys after they do everything to attract them and fail miserably. They learn to accept this fact and move on with their lives, and you need to do so, too. She’s probably ripping the brakes out of your car because she wishes you would stop guilt-tripping her for not sharing your feelings and go away. Have you been sending her your “It Will Rain” lyrics or setting it as her ringtone? If you are, she’s probably heeding your advice, packing morphine, and waiting for a Dexter-like moment. Imagine if you received “Grenade” from a girl. Would it a be a sweeping romantic gesture? Would it inspire greater love on your part? Probably not. Most likely it would move your cute little butt to the police station to file a restraining order against the Glenn-Close-Fatal-Attraction wannabe. You would be very worried for your bunny.
So, Bruno, please. Get a grip on yourself. Move on. Go spill your tears in your beer about love gone wrong with Adele. She will tell you that sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
Best of luck.
A high school teacher who is tired of her female students thinking that someone catching a grenade for them is romantic. Dealing with Romeo and Juliet is enough, thank you. Now pardon me, I have to write Adam Levine about his mooooooooooves like jagger.