Ever since I’ve started blogging last month, my stats page has been my new BFF. And it’s been a very good BFF. It’s always there when I need it, ready to proffer up the amount of views, gossip about the tags that are most popular, and spy on those from Nepal and the Republic of Georgia who read my blog. My new BFF has made me care about numbers and percentages in a way that I have never cared about before . (Don’t believe me? Ask my high school Algebra II teacher who let me pass the class even though he admitted that I was “terrible, terrible at math”.) My stats page has been generous with its time and views.
But I have to look at myself in mirror and ask “Have I been good to my stats page?” For all its beneficence, I have turned into a needy, clingy, bunny-boiling blogger. I sit at my computer demanding everything and more from my poor, abused BFF. I constantly refresh the page calling out, “I will have new views…. Now! Gosh darn it! Still stuck at 8. Hmmm…. Now!”. My ability to focus is diminishing as I am like the anorexic who repeats everything she has eaten that day, steadily re-calculating the calories and fat grams, “I shouldn’t have eaten that one M&M!”. I believe I see a little orange box in the corner of my Word documents, imaging that someone out there likes the lesson plan I am typing up. I drift somnolently up to the office in a trance to my computer. The boundaries have been obliterated between me and my BFF.
It has to stop. But how? I’ve wandered the aisles of Rite-Aid and Walgreens and they have patches to ease pain, quit smoking and relieve car sickness, but do they have a patch for Stats Page Stalking? Is there a gum? A 12-step program? Do I contact Tony Robbins to get results in not tracking my stats? Do I seek Deepak Chopra’s help in creating a stronger, healthier body, mind, blog connection? Do hypnotists specialize in stats pages or is it just losing weight only? Or do I cut it out cold turkey? But what about my i-Phone? Could I fall off the wagon by checking my WordPress app? Maybe I should drop it in the toilet again– that solved my Words With Friends addiction.
Oh, wait! My box is orange! Gotta go!
Photos via picgifs.com and empowernetwork.com.